Best Interests?

Navigating a custody case can be challenging, as you’re often advised to make decisions based on the child’s best interests However, I feel that the courts sometimes fail to uphold this principle. From my experience, it appears that the courts are overwhelmed with cases, leading to a frustrating mix of delays and rushed proceedings.

To clarify my previous statement, the lead-up to court dates can feel interminable, with waiting times stretching up to 8-9 months. Yet, when the day finally arrives, everything seems hastily conducted, as if they are just trying to move on to the next case. As someone representing myself, I dedicated countless days and weeks preparing motions and orders to present prior to the hearing. Unfortunately, it felt as if the judge had not reviewed any of my submissions; she didn’t seem familiar with the facts of our case at all. I left feeling that my efforts were wasted, as my paperwork likely sat untouched until the last moment.

Part of me wonders if having an attorney might have made a difference. However, I chose to represent myself because my ex-partner was doing the same. The cost of hiring an attorney for a custody trial was quoted at $5,000, which was simply not feasible for me while still supporting myself and my son.

Returning to the court system topic, I wish I felt that they truly examined my case and made decisions in my son’s best interest. I don’t want to criticize my ex, nor claim to be a perfect parent, but the key difference is that I have been there for our son since day one. And I have put my son and his needs above myself and my own feelings, in order to do what I feel is best for him. My son knows he can rely on me for everything, while his father has not consistently been present. I have always made it easy for him to reach out and see our son, but I cannot force a grown man to act responsibly nor do I want to be tasked with that burden.

Due to all of this I must be honest and say that I also question my ex’s motives for filing for custody only after being ordered to pay child support, which he has failed to contribute towards since our son was born. As our child approaches seven years old, I can’t help but wonder what has prompted this newfound interest in custody. It seems such a convenient coincidence in the timing but I digress…

I want to be clear about my perspective. My son has been around his father only a handful of times and does not truly know him. They have never spent the night together or had any alone time; all interactions occurred with me present for brief visits. Consequently, my son is unfamiliar with his father and relies on me as his security blanket, making my ex more of a stranger than a parent.

During the court proceedings, I highlighted critical points that I believed should be taken into consideration: my ex’s conviction for domestic battery involving both me and our son, his current parole status for an unrelated crime, and the fact that he had not been involved in our child’s life for ten months. Despite presenting these facts in the brief time allotted to me, the judge still granted him weekend visits from Friday to Sunday, along with vacation and holiday time.

I was left feeling angry, shocked, and bewildered, as I had expected the judge to recognize the situation’s gravity. Nevertheless, her order now stands, regardless of my feelings. How could this judge deem it safe and appropriate for my son to spend nights and extended amounts of time with someone he barely knows? I feel that in itself can be traumatizing, but who am I to question a judge. I am only the boy’s mother! UGH!!!! Anyways let’s move on from this because I can go on forever on just this topic so….

I don’t wish to dwell on this matter any longer than I already have, but I feel compelled to stress that judges should approach each case individually, thoroughly reviewing the facts of each case because one fact can play a significant role on the childs safety.. To truly serve the best interests of the child, it seems wiser to err on the side of caution rather than hastily placing a child in a potentially harmful or traumatizing environment. Sharing DNA does not eliminate the risk of exposing a child to trauma. Unfortunately, I believe that genetic ties often influence courtroom decisions, granting the other parent an unwarranted presumption of safety and goodwill. (Regardless if his actions have proven otherwise many times before).

While I strive to set aside my emotions for my son’s well-being, it’s essential to remember that DNA alone does not equate to parental responsibility. His genetic connection did not compel his dad to be involved in his everyday life, it did not change the outcome during the domestic violence incidents, nor did it prompt him to check on our son for years afterwards. So why should it carry so much weight now when it seemed insignificant before?

I want to believe that he loves our son and wants the best for him, as he is his child. However, his past actions constantly lead me to question his intentions. As a result, I feel it is my duty to be cautious rather than sorry, and I do not believe I should be criticized for wanting to protect my son and myself from further trauma especially when it’s from the same individual. Besides don’t they say that history has a tendancy to repeat itself? They do… so why do we give so much grace when it comes to our kids,? This is something that I will never fully comprehend.